ok, it is bloody hot hotside. southern california in a furnace.
I'm really tired which is weird because I took a 2 hour nap already. what's up with that?

this Sunday is mom's day.
I have so many emotions about my motherhood. I am a real true blue I love you mom. I also am a guilt ridden, boy did I screw some things up mom. I can perseverate back and forth between these two worlds in a nanosecond.

life is like that I guess. two ends of the spectrum reaching out, tugging on eachother. one no matter and the other no matter. the world still turns round, my child still lives and has children of his own to love and screw up.

that's what counts, yes, he is alive and living. that's all that matters. I gave him life and now he takes it and moves on.

I'm getting lonely-for real. old relationship over. new relationship no where in sight. my friends aren't around, going through their own stuff. at least before I had distractions. now I spend way too much time by myself.
I like it, don't get me wrong. I really love my privacy. I'm good alone. But... now I just feel trapped by the alone.
promised myself I'd get this weight off and get some projects done before committing to dating again. well...
how long does that take, forever it seems.

what to say. I am so bored. I am at work and really really really bored.

one of the secretarys told me about this soul food place up the street. they make 7-up cake. yummy. peach cobbler. yummier still. I ended up with a bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco.

I do have two fresh oranges on my desk from the local farmers market. that will cap off my well rounded fast food break.

the time has come to retire... I just need money thats all, and I can do it. I never thought how important the R word was until about a year ago. now it is all consuming. some people want to work until death.

to me work is death. there are too many other things I want to do, that I am so curious about. wow how to get out of this work thing...

I'm really a cool 50 though, no really I AM.
My granddoughnut tells me so, my friends tell me so, my much younger ex-boy toy used to tell me so. The granddoughnut is the only one I trust implicitly though. Her thoughts count...always.
So there you have it, truth from the babe in the woods.
I just wish I looked cool. I used to until menopause granted me a 20 lb weight gain. there is no way to look good with a tire wrapped around my middle. uh uh.
I even tried hypnosis, nothing so far has worked to lose this...yuk factor. I gave up suger, soda, fast food, most processed foods, I usually eat vegetarian ( however in my opinon carnovors rule) and organic. this is fucking ridiculous. the treadmill is my friend, even at 10 at night, 1/2 hour a day goddamnit. I'm transfixed on this weight issue. I guess I must be a female in America.

life is too short and too busy for words. all these words. slowly should life rain like mildewed honey.

I'm 50 and really would like to know how and when this happened.

hot flashes are plaguing my resistance to acknowledging middle age. most women don't miss menstrating. I do. attached to the red flow were really long beautiful legs. legs that could run like the wind. creaking and cracking knees greet me as I wake in the morning now... 50.